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Post by Dino on Jun 26, 2008 8:08:42 GMT -5
Fresh from her shower, my wife stood in front of the mirror, complaining her breasts were too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, I came up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, she fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. 'How long will this take?', she asked.
'They will grow larger over a period of years', I replied.
She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat, I said: 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'
I'm still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, I may even walk again... although I will probably continue to take my meals through a straw...
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Post by Queenie on Jun 26, 2008 10:25:10 GMT -5
Mildred, 93, was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast.' Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
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Post by vsangelchick on Jun 28, 2008 19:52:38 GMT -5
A man walks into the bar, and tells the bartender he needs 6 shots of vodka.
"Why 6 shots of vodka?" asks the bartender.
"My son just told me he was gay!" Replies the man, as he finishes the vodka.
The next week the man returns to the bar and asks the bartender again, for 6 shots of vodka.
"What happened this time that you need 6 shots of vodka?" questions the bartender.
"My other son just told me that he was gay too." Says the man as he drinks the shots down.
A week later the man returns, yet again and asks for 6 shots of vodka.
"Jesus, doesn't anyone in your family like women?!" remarks the bartender.
"Yeah, my wife!"
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Post by Queenie on Jun 30, 2008 10:25:02 GMT -5
Actual Passport Letter...hilarious!!...
Dear Sir,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social security card and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight god***n passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!! SHIT!
I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my freakin' address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal a-holes workin' there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone! Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another freakin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd rather have us running all over the freakin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the god***n picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (effin' morons)
Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off! Signed - An Irate Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 . I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST CHINA!
Sincerely,
You Sure In The Hell Should Know Who
P.S. I changed a couple of four letter words, but the words were in the actual letter.
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Post by cassierae on Jun 30, 2008 10:29:29 GMT -5
Here's a riddle. Stupid, but I didn't get it for months. Lots of people have probably heard this one.
A man walks past a building and realizes he's bankrupt. How?
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Post by Queenie on Jun 30, 2008 12:10:08 GMT -5
Here's a riddle. Stupid, but I didn't get it for months. Lots of people have probably heard this one. A man walks past a building and realizes he's bankrupt. How? Because he's playing monopoly |
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Post by cassierae on Jun 30, 2008 13:14:33 GMT -5
yeahhhhhh.
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Post by Queenie on Jun 30, 2008 13:52:35 GMT -5
But I have always heard it as . . . A man drives past a hotel and instantly realizes he is bankrupt, why? Drives (in the car playing piece) past a hotel (on Boardwalk or Park Place no less . . . those hotels will kill ya). |
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Post by Queenie on Jul 1, 2008 8:48:04 GMT -5
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
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Post by Queenie on Jul 2, 2008 9:53:26 GMT -5
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'..
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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Post by Peachs on Jul 3, 2008 4:58:02 GMT -5
I've got a few silly ones....
Did you hear about the guy that had his whole left side bitten off by a shark??
The doctor said he'd be all-right.
Where do you get dead people?
The bodyshop
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Post by shaun on Jul 3, 2008 12:06:11 GMT -5
I've got a few silly ones.... Did you hear about the guy that had his whole left side bitten off by a shark?? The doctor said he'd be all-right. Where do you get dead people? The bodyshop You stole those from me!!! Hehe |
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Post by The Biff Lebowski on Jul 3, 2008 12:47:14 GMT -5
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.
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Post by vsangelchick on Jul 3, 2008 13:39:11 GMT -5
What 2 words do you hear on a golf course that you'll never hear in a whorehouse?
Bite Bitch!
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Post by wienerpoopie on Jul 3, 2008 13:50:04 GMT -5
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny. hahahaha  |
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Post by Peachs on Jul 3, 2008 14:00:30 GMT -5
I've got a few silly ones.... Did you hear about the guy that had his whole left side bitten off by a shark?? The doctor said he'd be all-right. Where do you get dead people? The bodyshop You stole those from me!!! Hehe of course... You ARE my boyfriend.. I just thought that they were too cute to not share  |
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Post by shaun on Jul 4, 2008 0:32:33 GMT -5
Did you hear about the guy who was addicted to phone sex?
He got hearing aids.
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Post by The Biff Lebowski on Jul 4, 2008 11:38:48 GMT -5
Did you hear about the guy who was addicted to phone sex? He got hearing aids. Hearing aids is the result of listening to too many fucking assholes. |
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Post by Peachs on Jul 6, 2008 13:24:58 GMT -5
Did you hear about the guy who was addicted to phone sex? He got hearing aids. Hearing aids is the result of listening to too many effing a-holes. I think it was AIDS that Shaun was referring to |
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Post by FUCKTARD ! on Jul 8, 2008 0:43:17 GMT -5
Did you hear about the guy who was addicted to phone sex? He got hearing aids. Hearing aids is the result of listening to too many effing a-holes. I thought hearing aids is what happened to people who enjoyed ear sex. |
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Post by FUCKTARD ! on Jul 8, 2008 0:44:05 GMT -5
2 guys walk into a bar.
I would have thought the second guy would have ducked.
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Post by FUCKTARD ! on Jul 8, 2008 0:45:16 GMT -5
Knock Knock ?
Who's there ?
Go fuck yourself.
(That's a lot funnier without the F word being censored, especially if you tell it to a little kid)
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Post by The Biff Lebowski on Jul 8, 2008 11:32:20 GMT -5
Knock knock
Who's there?
Awwgo.
Awwgo who?
Awwgo fuck yourself.
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Post by Dino on Jul 8, 2008 12:44:23 GMT -5
A dimwitted blonde bombshell walks into an airplane and sits in the first-class section. Upon sitting down a stewardess asks to see her boarding pass and informs her that she only has a coach ticket.
The blonde says, “I’m a cute looking blonde and I’m flying first class.”
The stewardess replies that she only has a coach seat to Atlanta. The blonde then retorts, “I’m a cute blonde and I’m flying first class.”
Just then the captain happened by and asked what was happening. The blonde tells him, “I’m a cute blonde and I’m flying first class to Atlanta.”
The captain thinks about it for a moment and whispers something in her ear. The blonde immediately gets up and jumps into a seat in the coach cabin.
Puzzled, the stewardess asks the captain what he said to get her to move so fast.
”It was simple,” he replied, “I told her that first class isn’t going to Atlanta.”
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Post by sluttynurse on Jul 8, 2008 12:49:39 GMT -5
What is the difference between a Triscuit and a lesbian?
A Triscuit is a snack cracker.
A lesbian is a crack snacker. ;D
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Post by The Biff Lebowski on Jul 8, 2008 13:45:08 GMT -5
An airplane takes off and the captain gets on and does his usual spiel "We'll be flying at 10,000 feet.....etc etc". He accidentally leaves the microphone on and tells the co-pilot "Well, I'm going to go take a shit and screw the stewardess".
A stewardess in the back of the plane hears this broadcast throughout the whole flight and begins to run toward the cockpit in order to turn the p.a. off.
An old lady stops her and says "What's your hurry missy? You heard him say he was going to take a shit first.".
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Post by wienerpoopie on Jul 8, 2008 13:48:30 GMT -5
An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"
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Post by The Biff Lebowski on Jul 8, 2008 13:56:46 GMT -5
Lena is taking a shower when the doorbell rings. Bruce, in the bathroom upstairs, yells for her to get the door. Lena throws a towel on and runs down to open the door. Steve, their neighbor is there. Steve looks at Lena with only her towel on and says, "Lena if you drop the towel, I will give you five hundred dollars."
So Lena drops her towel. Keeping his promise, Steve gives her the money and leaves. Lena closes the door and goes back to the bathroom. Bruce asks her, "Who was that?
Lena replies, "Oh, that was Steve from next door." Lena thinks fast. "I don't know what he wanted though."
Bruce then asks, "Did he say anything about the five hundred dollars he owes me?"
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Post by Queenie on Jul 8, 2008 13:58:14 GMT -5
A man boarded an airplane in Baltimore Maryland, with a box of crabs.
A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the
crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for the crabs staying cold, and proceeded to rant and rave about
what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Of course this irritated the flight attendant and she told the
passenger not to worry.
Shortly before landing in Atlanta she announced to the entire cabin,
'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Baltimore, please
raise your hand?'
Not one hand went up. so she took them home and ate them herself!
I like stories with happy endings.
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Post by shaun on Jul 12, 2008 0:32:10 GMT -5
What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?
Udder destruction.
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